They say that the best romance stories come from being friends first and lovers second. I still stand by that, I think you need to be friends with someone before you seek a relationship. A couple of years back, I fell in love with one of my best friends. This guy is amazing; he got my humor and made me smile.
But no matter how single I was or how much time went by, he never made his move so I decided to come clean… It didn’t go so well. As with any story, this one has two sides; I think if he read it he’d say, “This girl is crazy, that’s not what happened”, but this is my side.
When I told him my feelings..
It took every ounce of courage for me to tell him I had feelings for him, and since I knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle the conversation face to face –I was terrified of him mocking me– I wrote him a letter, delivered it and pretty much ran away. I never heard from him, so I pushed even further and sent him a text. I asked him if we were going to discuss the letter, he replied with “Sure” and off we went into a very superficial chat, which could be summed up into “Nope, I don’t feel the same way about you. Sorry if I ever made you think that.”
I was devastated, ashamed, and absolutely horrified about what was going to happen next. Who was going to know about this? Would they make fun of me? Did I just lose a bunch of friends I had met through him whom I adored as well?
I told him I’d need some time and space because I couldn’t face him until my feelings went away and we could actually go back to being friends. It has been two years since that day; maybe even longer. Deep-rooted feelings can take a long time to vanish.
What followed as a consequence
By telling my best friend I was in love with him, I had to drift away and keep my distance. I lost his friendship, his presence and his humor. I was so sad that depression lead me into friendships I shouldn’t have befriended. That’s the thing about having your heart broken, some people who feed off drama will suddenly pop up and offer their friendship because as they say: misery loves company. It wasn’t a “bad” crowd, but it still wasn’t a healthy bunch. Although I do thank them for being there for me when I needed it the most, it’s not the kind of crowd I need to heal properly.
I started doing stuff for attention, trying to show the world I was OK when I really wasn’t. Hindsight is 20-20 so I realize now how dumb I looked and I’m a tad embarrassed. When you are sad you don’t need to front to anybody, it’s OK to be sad and nobody should tell you otherwise.
Then I faced the wrath of those friends and family members who were worried about my depression and told me to “Get over him! He’s not worth it!”. That didn’t help, so I just started bottling up everything inside me and the wound wasn’t fully closing. It was still fresh from time to time but I felt like I shouldn’t tell anybody because they’d say something like “Still? When are you going to let go?” I eventually found out that I was wrong, they were just worried and had no idea how to help, but were willing to listen. So I started talking and that helped a lot.
Then I started dating again, meeting new friends, picking up new hobbies and even started going to school again for something I love. The time I spent thinking about the past was becoming less and less and the future looked brighter. It still does.
Do I miss him? Yes, with all my heart. But I may never get over how deeply I loved him, so we may never be friends again. I hope I do, because I would love to have some more fun times, but I don’t know what the future will bring.
Was it the right thing to do?
“But Mena,” you ask, “Would you do it again if you knew how it was going to end?” And to that I answer: definitely. Because he deserved to know that I wasn’t always being his friend. This whole experience has left me stronger than before and now I know that it’s not that big a deal. And also because I think that you should always, always tell the people you love that you love them. Even if you feel awkward after that.
Are you going through a similar experience? Please share it in the comments below.